Jessica

Somewhere Out There.

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 22:14:06 GMT

A lot of people have been telling me that I seem different these past couple days. I wonder if it's true, and how I've changed? I know I'm having weird dreams and I'm constantly thinking about them or the story I have been writing lately. Sometimes I get a little too into the stories I'm writing out. Maybe because I model them after my own life and the people around me.
I had the oddest dream when I took a nap today. I won't write out all the details on here, but I'll say that when I woke up I was oddly happy but felt like I had hurt someone. Even if it was just a dream, and probably about someone who doesn't care about me either way.
Classes are good. I actually really like them. I was walking to class today after my dream and got this incredibly lonely feeling. I'm not sure exactly what is going on anymore. I wish I understood myself. The adventure on Saturday turned out extremely odd, and the next few days after that were weird but good. Anyways, I'm going to go do homework. Or something that has a point to it, and not just endless rambling.

"You've gone to save your tired soul, you've gone to save our lives... I'm waiting for this sky to fall. I'm waiting for a sign."

Perfect.

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 07:27:16 GMT

Trip to Somerset tomorrow... I'm excited! This is the first big adventure me and Allison have gone on in a while.. this time, we have Nic! And maybe Dustin! This should be super exciting :)
Too excited to type. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha.

It's a ZERO!!

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 16:36:45 GMT

Well, I missed the first day of classes yesterday thanks to sickness. But I went today! Well, I've only had one so far, my other isn't until late in the day. Anyways, my math class is the first thing I have on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I have it in the basement of the library (the DLL), and I have it with Shelby. Odd, because I had a class with him in that same room first thing in the morning last time. Weirder, last semester he had two classes in a row in there. Again, this semester, two classes in a row in there. I told him to just move in and RA the library. Anyway, this teacher is EXCITED about the number zero. Because it's "such an individual, so unique". Silly math people, I will never understand you. I got my new job for sure, it's only two days a week and not many hours but I don't care cause it's something I think I'll like. Yay for school. And for work. Can you feel the excitement? Me either. Maybe it's the sickness.

I talked to Allison on the phone for a while last night.. she called me here in KY! That made me happy. And of course, we had a hard time hanging up. We're both talking deathtraps (as Charles would say), and neither of us actually like saying goodbye. And I talked to David all day yesterday. Yay! Instead of making a lot of verbal notes on who I've seen and who I've talked to, I'll just say I got a lot accomplished on my social list. There. Better said. Even though a lot has happened, I don't really feel like just sitting here and typing out every little detail. So just ask.

You Are Stellar

Sun, 11 Jan 2004 21:23:24 GMT

Last night I went to a show in London. Steve and Chad showed up there, was fun to meet them even if mine and Christa's directions got them lost. Steve is sucha hottie, just for those of you who don't know. Heh. Anyways, I got to spend a lot of time with Christa and such, which was great times. Also, Steven and Jamie talked to me a lot- Steven even told a lovely story about throwing up a popsicle. You'd hafta hear it to understand, I guess. I also made a few new friends last night, as well as getting to spend a few hour with people I didn't think liked me but apparently I was wrong. Oh well, it's all good times anyways.
I also got to see Daniel yesterday.. good times. More Tekken was being played, which is always fun. I'm getting better at it! Yay! I think that's all in exciting news for now. I'm a pretty boring person.

Always did, always will.

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 09:32:44 GMT

Weeeeeeeeee, life has been fun.

I've been getting out and seeing lots of people, forcing myself to do some of that silly socializing stuff. I've spent a lot of time with Misty in the process too. Charles and I made up and went to church on Sunday. Then that night he talked to me for the longest time, and I apologized for being so mean to him... and I am sorry. He's a great guy and I really do take him for granted a lot. I might be getting new strings for the bass! Woooo. Just gotta measure and whatnot. I got to see Daniel some too, which is always good times.

In highlights of things that never happen, Jonathan came over yesterday. I had lots of fun, even though we got a little bored with Tekken when he beat me for the 20th time or so. But cookies were involved so things were okay. But then there was some vicious tickling and I thought I might die.

Tonight was weird. I went to church and I already felt extremely odd. I think I was starting to have a panic attack. I had to leave right after the service instead of going to Josh's with everyone else cause my heart was racing and I was starting to cry and couldn't breathe. But that's okay, cause when I came home I was checking emails and whatnot and found out some stuff.. I might be going to see Coheed and Cambria, Thursday, and AFI in concert in Feb!! Yay! So far it's me, Sarah, Misty, and Aaron. We'll see who else goes, but so far it sounds great. Definately going to be good times!

Stars.

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 06:55:12 GMT

Happy New Year! I'm determined that this year will be better than the last (or better than the last two, even). So far we're only a few days into it and it seems to be starting off in a not so good way. But things are looking up a little. Things have been odd. For the first time in what seems like years, Allison messaged me outta nowhere and asked me to stay the night with her. I was surprised. At first I couldn't go cause I had plans with Daniel, but of course he cancelled and so I had the evening free. Also, Charles needs to burn. He called and I told him how I was feeling so awful about things concerning Daniel, and he chose that time to inform me that he isn't just busy, he just doesn't wanna talk to me. Isn't that great?! Course, his little remarks like that are what makes all my other friends hate him anyway.
I can't wait to get back to school! I miss everyone there so much. Also, I started getting all angry at myself for being out of shape, so I'm starting to work out a bit more so I'm not so horrible. Woo, yay for feeling good about myself! Also got the Coheed and Cambria cd finally, so I've been listening to it nonstop (except for today, I listened to some rap and a cd I made at Allison's). Good times had by all (except for Allison, who doesn't like rap music anyway). I watched Fight Club for the first time today.. great movie. Okay, I need to quit typing cuase I'm gonna actually go to bed early tonight!

We heard Ian Curtis kill himself again. In your bed.

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 21:19:20 GMT

I almost posted last night because I was angry and wanted to ramble on and on about how much I can't stand a certain someone, but then I calmed down and had nothing else to write about. Now I'm just feeling really hyper so I could write about nothing forever (kind of like I'm doing now), except that I really do have some stuff to write about.
First of all, I got to see Misty yesterday! I was so happy, even if I only saw her for a few minutes. I got some new clothes yesterday and did some other new things yesterday (like waxing my eyebrows, which was new and weird). Then I got to go to Daniel's for a while, which was fun. I always have so much fun with him when we're together, cause he's always making me laugh and we can make fun of each other and no one cares. I actually got about a full 12 hours of sleep last night, which seems to be too much. I ended up getting a headache from it. The good news is I'm home alone and get the chance to dance around to Thursday and slide around in my new socks. I think only losers like me get so excited by these things.
Now for the whole "feelings" part of the entries (I'm sure this is the part people look forward to the least). I've been doing a lot of thinking (usually when I try to go to bed early and I lay in bed for about two hours just thinking). I found out yesterday that Stephen had called and Mom chose not to tell me about it. I called him back today and we only talked for a few minutes. It felt all weird to talk to him yet again.. you think I'd get useta that feeling, but no. I never do. And Charles hurt me last night (I don't want any comments about that one). I was right in the middle of telling him how I felt about something and he just says,"Well I'm going to go". Why doesn't he just say,"I don't care about it, never did" or something along those lines. At least then I wouldn't trick myself into believing I can tell people things. In fact, why don't all you people who don't care just tell me now, so we can get through all of this? I'm starting to think several of my friends don't actually like me, and I'm just going to stop talking to everyone. Maybe that way I can actually find out (sadly, I already know they won't talk to me and I don't know why I even bother hoping they will.. you guys could be considered posers at this stage, I think).
But in good news, I feel great.

"I'm not worth your time. End of transmission."

Blah.

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 05:18:43 GMT

It started at around 8:30 pm on Sunday night. I was at Jonathan's house with Daniel, and I coughed a little bit. It was then I noticed that my throat kinda hurt- but I figured it was cause of the cold air and maybe cause of the cigarette smoke from the car rides to and from Knoxville. I asked for a drink, all was well.
Then I went to Daniel's, and that same pain was back. I finished off my drink from Jonathan's, but the pain wouldn't leave. I asked for water from Daniel.. got some.. pain still lingered in my throat. He took me home, and I stayed up for a while on the phone. I ate coughdrops and was constantly drinking something, but the pain would not leave. Later on, when it was about 3 am or so, the pain began to spread. I started feeling sick to my stomach, and soon I was getting pains in my legs and arms and especially in my fingers. I left the computer in hopes of sleeping so that I could get rid of this crazy feeling. No such luck.
Sleep was not an easy thing. It took me almost an hour to get to sleep, after I woke up my mom and begged for some sort of medicine. Even then, I only slept for about 4 hours. When I woke up I cried myself back to sleep because I felt miserable. I was in and out of sleep all day, until about 4 pm. Then I was up to stay. I didn't move around much. I've spent almost all day resting and almost falling asleep again.
Tomorrow is our Christmas. Sickness does not have good timing.

How long is the night?

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 05:21:55 GMT

I don't know how to feel anymore. It seems like everytime I get happy, I get slapped in the face by reality and I'm thrown back down. I went to Allison's house and had a great time. We spent almost 3 hours taking pictures and having fun, acting silly and dressing up. For the first time in forever, I actually felt like I might look the slightest bit pretty. Then today, a guy that I kinda like told me that he likes my personality but really doesn't like how I look. I just can't feel pretty anymore. At all. It just proved everything that I believed before, that I am NOT pretty. I feel dead, but I'll just tell him it's fine and get over it. I don't really have much of a choice.
I talked to Stephen for a bit today. It wasn't very long, but it was good times. I bet he doesn't call back. He never will. Also, I haven't talked to Daniel today which felt odd. I need to just stop thinking at all, and maybe just try to stop feeling. I wish I could.

No Subject.

Wed, 17 Dec 2003 22:24:45 GMT

Well, I was right. Last night WAS great! Before I went to the movies, I got to see Allison for a little bit. Then when we were about to leave, Wesley came in! It was so great to see him again! I wish he still went to school here just so I could see him as much as I did then. Last year was the best- working with both Ryan and Wesley. It was great times.
The movie was great! When I got there, I got to see all kinds of people I haven't seen in months (like Carrie York and everyone). Stephen and Bruce even showed up. Jonathan came in his silk pajammies.. haha, good times. The movie was great too! I had to keep asking Daniel to stop making comments (like about Frodo and Sam), but it was great. I spent some time talking to everyone afterwards, then drove all the way back to school. I got back around 6 am, but it was okay. I wasn't very tired at the time. I still had some trouble falling to sleep.
I had crazy crazy dreams, feel free to ask if you want to know.
Today was great too. It's sad that Jeremiah is still sick, though. But I found out I have an A in theatre for the semester! And later today, me and Samantha are sposta go out and do something. I can't wait, cause I haven't seen her in forver. Oh well.. more updates later (when I have the patience to sit down and right them out).

Good Times!

Wed, 17 Dec 2003 01:34:00 GMT

Haha, believe this or not- I'm extremely happy. Anyone who knows me very well could tell anyone who asked that I'm rarely this happy. The past 24 hours have been the best ever, and the days before that were good too. I don't owe Cumberland College anymore money so now I'm able to go back there next semester. That was a VERY lucky event. I got to see Jonathan and Daniel, which makes me happy. Ahhh, insert sweet words here about Daniel. Except that right now I'm just too hyper to sit down and write things out.
Last night I talked to Charles for the first time in a few days. We seem to be getting along better than we have for the past 2 weeks or so. I guess we really just need to talk face to face to actually feel comfortable around each other, but he's grounded so that's impossible for now.
Last night was great! First of all, I talked to Steve from SPM for a bit last night. That was good times. He plays some great bass.. and looks good too, haha. I hope I get to talk to him some more.. possibly be around him some (heh, Ryan). We talked about me going up there or him coming down here.. possibly helping me out with my bass some as well. Then me and Ryan talked on the phone for hours till Family Guy came on, then we watched that together. After that, a very exhausted Ryan went to bed. A very hyper me stayed up till around 7 am. They keep turning on the heat in Archer, and it makes it impossible for me to breathe in my room. Then I can't sleep cause I'm all uncomfortable.
Today should be good as well. I slept till around 1 pm today, which was good times. I've already had my final and everything. Tonight I'm sposta go with some people (like Jonathan and Daniel) to see LOTR... yay, I'm excited!
I wish this happy feeling would never leave.

Rejected, and I Don't Care!

Sat, 13 Dec 2003 05:43:47 GMT

I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling today. Lots of mixed feelings. I went to a show in Somerset, which was amazingly good. Jeremiah and Jared made one of the bands out to be pretty bad, but when they played I thought they were great. They seemed to really enjoy what they were doing- they also believed in themselves, which always makes stage appearance twenty times better. The last band that played was great too, even if not that many people seemed to notice them. The first one was good too- they had a girl bassist. They just seemed a bit.. I don't know. I understand that you couldn't hear the vocals that well, but vocals aren't all that make a song. It's not like anyone else's vocals were that great, either. But they didn't let that stop them.
During the whole evening, I felt like I didn't fit any with anyone I came with. I went with Jeremiah, Jared, and Dave. I did get along with Dave quite well, and we talked about a lot of things. That made me happy- I ended up not feeling so alone (like I originally did). At one point,when the second band came up to play, they all wanted to go eat. I asked Jeremiah to stop the car, got out, and went in to a room full of strangers to watch a band play. And yes, they WERE good. I just don't know anymore. Is it my fault I don't get along with people? I don't mean to be antisocial, it just happens sometimes. And most of the time, I have good reason. Like tonight. I really didn't feel like throwing my opinions in cause they were different from everyone. And normally, around friends, I don't care about that. But I felt so awkward in that group that I could barely force myself to participate in conversation. I don't think I've been that quiet around friends in a long time. And I hated it.
You know who absolutely kills me? People that judge others and see themselves as better. I've been seeing so much of that in recent days that it makes me sick. Am I just weird? I believe that everyone has a reason for being the way they are, and everyone has something special and great about them. They have certain talents. Yes, someone IS better than you. If not for their talent, then at least for their outlooks and attitudes. You can hate them all you want, but they really don't care cause they have better things to do than to sit around and think about what a loser you are for hating them. I hope you people will finally realize that.

Nothing Special

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 05:18:18 GMT

Sorry it's been a while since I've updated. My computer seems to want to commit suicide lately. There isn't really much to write about at the moment cause I'm in a really great mood so I don't really want to think about anything bad. I'll just point out that today is the 11th, and exactly one year ago today, Granny died. That's the only depressing news I'm going to put in for now. I'll update later :)

Dreams

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 18:35:22 GMT

I had the weirdest dreams last night. I had a few, since I slept on the couch and Tiny woke me up with her barking at around 6 am. In one dream, Stephen had asked me to go somewhere with him and I had agreed, but that's all I remember I ended up going to an opera on my own or something. I found a friend of mine there that I haven't seen since graduation- Michael. I wouldn't even call him a friend, since I wasn't "cool enough" to be spoken to by him since middle school. Stupid social classes. Anyways, he was sitting with the rich people and I was a groundling (thank you, intro to theatre), and he felt bad about it. Then I woke up, and when I fell back asleep, I was in the car with my aunt (she was my aunt in the dream, I don't know who she really was...unfamiliar). Anyway, at first she wanted to go inside her house and told me to stay in the car. The car started to roll back and almost went over a cliff into a river. I can't swim, and I stareted to panic. But I put on the emergency brake and got out. By now, my sister was here and so was Daniel and some other guy I didn't know. They were playing on the edge of the cliff, and I kept screaming at them to stop, but they wouldn't. Daniel and the other guy started making fun of me because I was afraid (turns out the river was only a foot deep), so I ran inside to get my "aunt". She started blaming me for all sorts of things, and then she realized someone else was in the house. I saw him first, and I didn't scream because I was too afraid. He was well-built and had long'ish black hair, and I've never seen him before in my life. He held a gun to us and threatened us, then told me all he wanted was for me to have a father figure in my life. He made us all (me, aunt, daniel, sarah, and the other guy) start walking, and he put everyone except me in chains. He then told them to go to church, and wanted me to walk alone with him. The other guy tried to run and catch up with us, but the chains jerked him back and I had to walk alone. Then I woke up.
I don't know what to make of it. I was just excited when I finally woke up, because I was safe. There are other things I want to write out, but right now I'm too focused on my dreams to think about anything else. I'll just update it again later.

Yay for the weekends!

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 06:12:13 GMT

I apologize for not updating lately. I've been somewhat busy (and somewhat lazy). I've been having some really weird emotions lately, and I think sometimes I'm going insane. I'm afraid I'm going to end up losing a friend if I don't get some type of control on my emotions. On the plus side, I've been writing a lot. I haven't been quite as depressed or anything, and I think it's cause I'm here. Around family, around friends. At school, I get so lonely that I can't stand it. I guess because I stay in my room most of the time.. but I feel weird going out with Brigette and them all of the time. I'll end this very short entry with my newest writing thingy.

I liked the way we laid in your bed
I listened to the silence and I prayed
God, don't let this feeling end
Don't let this familiarity be betrayed
I watched the shadows on your ceiling
Forming pictures for my apathetic eyes
All I cared about was being with you
Even if it's something my heart denies

Why can't I just tell you?
You're the best friend I've ever had
Why do words escape me?
You're the best friend I've ever had...

I liked the way we laid in silence
I liked the way you smiled at me
The mischievous glitter in your eyes
A true beauty to see
I fell asleep in your bed
And dreamed I could hold onto you
Then I heard your soft laughter and woke up
Saw the most beautiful thing I knew

Why can't I tell you?
You're the best friend I've ever had
Why do words escape me?
You're the best friend I've ever had

I know why I can't tell you
Because you're the best friend I've ever had

Boring Day..

Thu, 04 Dec 2003 04:43:02 GMT

Thank you Nic, for leaving me messages! Yay for messages! Today has been a weird day. I haven't had much time to sit down and think or anything because I've been working with computers all day. It's a bit frustrating, but you know. Nothing horribly bad.
Last night, I made someone angry at me and I felt horrible about it. It's because I keep letting my emotions get in the way of my thought pattern. I've just been really lonely lately.
And scattered, if you couldn't tell. Maybe I'll just go on to bed.

Random Thoughts

Tue, 02 Dec 2003 23:34:20 GMT

I feel sick. I believe I've been thinking so much that it just makes me sick. I starte crying today while I was talking to Nic and Charles, realizing that I want to try to do something about the situation I've been put in. I'm still debating on if I should go talk to someone, we'll see. Charles thinks I should. Maybe.
I've been trying to keep my mind occupied today. I did extra credit and cleaned up my room. I even did homework that isn't due until next Tuesday. I'm just tired of sitting here and thinking, getting depressed and trying to accept that I can't do anything about it. I wonder if I even have a purpose anymore. I feel like I'm just a space filler. Would anyone even miss me if I was gone? I know family would, and some friends.. but I mean.. in six months, would it matter? Speaking of, It's been almost one year since Granny died. I still get really angry thinking about things with my relatives. I wonder if any of them will try to come back here to visit the grave? Will anyone come in for Christmas this year?
I usually get really excited about Christmas, but it's getting harder and harder to keep up my joyful spirit. I try to be happy and think about all the good things I have, but then I think about all the bad things too. There's a lot of them. I wish I didn't get anything for Christmas, I feel like I don't really deserve anything. I've been a horrible person, and I know it. I've lied, and cheated, and failed, and hurt people, and not stood up for things, and just generally done no good. I've lost my temper, hated, cursed, and wished people were dead. Do I even have a positive influence on anyone anymore?
Why am I even alive?

Sweet Dreams

Tue, 02 Dec 2003 05:42:15 GMT

Yay! Thank you Nic for the new journal!
This one won't be as out and open as the others, cause I think this will be a bit more personal. My other journal is more of a "this is what I did today". I think this will be "this is what I feel today". I bet less people come here just because of that.
I've been feeling extremely odd and somewhat disoriented since about Saturday. I'm not exactly sure why. I guess it was because I went to Stephen's. It felt odd, walking back in his room with him and seeing everything in the same place and all of those memories coming back into my mind. I can't help but wonder if he ever remembers anything that happened, or even thinks about these things anymore. Probably not. I thought I could handle all this (talking to him, seeing him, etc), and I'm still gonna try. I miss him a lot. However, I've been getting this weird feeling lately- it's almost like Stephen didn't really go deep with me. It was all very shallow. I remember secrets he told me though, some of the conversations we had and the things he said. I don't think it could be as shallow as I'm feeling like it is. Maybe I should just back off and leave everything alone, stop trying to reconnect to something that could get me in trouble and get me hurt (emotionally).
I think I've annoyed one of my friends. I keep asking him questions (like "Do you think I'm pretty? Beautiful? What could I do to be better?") that I don't think he wants to answer more than once (I know I've asked at least three times in the past two days). I guess I just wish I had someone who told me I was beautiful, and meant it. I wish someone would come along and make me feel good about myself, and make me feel like I'm worth something. I have plenty of people who make me feel like I'm nothing, and like I'll never be anything, but I don't really have anyone who makes me feel like I have a reason to be alive. I want someone who calls me, who wants to come see me, who wants to take me out, who doesn't mind talking to me for hours... I guess I'm just dreaming.